Like everybody else I too did mistakes in my life. Knowingly or unknowingly but I did mistakes in my life. I wish I can erase all those and be happy about it.
Engineering
You know what I never knew what I wanted to do in my life and till now I have no idea, what I am meant for. I don’t know what I want from my life. I feel as if I am leaving an aimless life.
It was time when I had to decide what I have to choose between science and commerce.
And here comes my DAD!!!!
My dad is a kind of pride guy. He always wanted to be the best in every situation. Failure is not an option in his life. For him, failure means the end of life. Shame for the family in society. Society matters more than his children. He never tried to understand me. He never understood what I was best in or might be I never made him understand me. Whatever he said like a mannered child I did. This time also I let him decide my career. I chose science. It was his choice. This is where I did my first mistake. I let my dad decide my life and he was always wrong. I never had guts to oppose him.
I was never aware of my passion and career. Being an average student somehow I managed to clear my HSSC.
After HSSC the time arrived for me to decide between Medicine and Engineering. That time only Engineering and medicine was the topmost career. My dad asked to prepare for both the exams. With God grace I cleared AIEEE and landed in Engineering College. It was a proud moment for my dad and me a relief moment.
Unknowingly I started my series of mistakes. I wish I couldn’t have cleared AIEEE. I wish he could have asked me at least once what I wanted to do. I wish I could have known what I was looking for. I wish I could have guts to say “NO”.
Dear diary I know you must be thinking if I never wanted to do engineering that how I cleared it. You know it was difficult for me. The first semester, I failed in computer science. I took help from my friends and I cleared it. But couldn’t manage to get good grades. I never did assignments in college. My friends use to complete it for me. I still remember I used to go to my friend’s hostel to study but nai samjh aati thi engineering yaar. You know what, I am never giving up lady. Nothing is impossible for me. I decided, whatever happens, I will clear this engineering. So with little mug up and assignments, I ended up clearing it with 65% marks.
I never got selected for a campus interview. I was at home upset and frustrated. My mind was full of negativity. Thinking will I ever get a job. One day my dad asked me to do a java course as one of his friends informed him that java has a lot of scopes. I went to Bangalore for a java course. I completed Java but was not successful in getting jobs in Bangalore and shifted to Goa. One day I got a call for a job interview and you know what I cleared the interview. I was happy. I knew the pay was less but never mind I had a job in my hand. Somehow it brought happiness in my family. So without any second thought, I decided to take this job and ended up making my second biggest mistake of my life.
Love is a lie
Please Please pick up the god damn phone… At least once talk to me for god shake. You can’t leave me like this. Why…Why…you got to answer me. This is not fair. This is not how things end. Everything in this world has a solution. Let’s talk and figure it out. This is not the way. You can’t leave me in the middle. No this is wrong. Please bas ek bar baat kar lo bas ek bar. But he didn’t respond. I was shatter, don’t know what to do. Who to ask for help. It was around 10:30 pm. I was watching a movie on my phone. my phone beeped and I read this shocking message.
“Don’t call me again. I don’t ever want to be in your life. Good Bye”
But Why? What is my fault? Two days back you promised me you’ll never leave me than what made you change your mind. Where I am at my fault?
I called him continuously but he didn’t reply. Finally, he texted me.
“One day you will understand why I left you”
And our relationship ended within 6 months.
Yes, Now I understood why you left me. I am happy that you left me. Yeah, I deserve better. Better than you. You were not the one I was looking for. You can never be my soul mate. You are not my piece of mind.
Somewhere in my unconscious mind, I knew this day will come soon. I was getting suffocated in this relationship. I was not getting attention. He was always busy. He never had time for me. My heart wanted to leave him but my mind was not ready for it. I was attach to him. I was in love but not him. I had not asked him to love me. He was the one who came to me.
I still remember that rainy day when he called me late in the evening and asked to meet him.
I met him on the bus where he held my hand and asked me
“Will you marry me”
Wo…Wo….hold on…I am shocked….
I couldn’t reply to him. I was just 22 and he was 32. But how can I say NO? After all, he was my crush. Love is blind. Age does not matter. And we started dating. This is where I started with the third mistake of my life.
I wish I had learned to say NO.
I feel connect to you
This was the darkest moment of my life. I was all broken, shattered. I could feel the pain. Pain no one can see or feel it. There is no medicine to heal this pain. You have to go through it on your own.
Yeah, it hurts. It hurts a lot.
This incident somewhere changed a part of me. Somewhere I had lost faith in love. I had lost faith in God.
Kahte hai God is always with you when no one is there for you.
Yeah, it’s true.
I met a friend who became a ray of hope in my life. He was my company guy. Handsome and Egoistic person. Sala pura English medium ka chalta firta dukan tha. Show off kinda guy. I never knew him unless my colleague praised him. I got irritated and challenged her that soon he’ll be my friend.
So I decided to send him a friend a request on Facebook and as usual, he accepted it. We started chatting and soon I realized I like talking to him even though I was never interested in him. We started meeting, spending time with each other. I am a shy girl and never like to speak my heart out to anyone. Trusting people is a difficult task for me. Somewhere in our friendship, he made me have faith in him. I had always considered him as my good friend.
It was my breakup time when we became closer to each other. I still remember the day when I was so upset and crying, sitting next to him. He was trying so hard to chill me. At that moment I just needed one shoulder to cry on and I guess he heard me. He hugged me. That hug was so genuine. I felt so secure as if I found peace. He held me so tight as if he’s gonna protect me from all negativity.
I was happy but at the same time, scared that I might fall for him. He was so loving, so caring and so understanding. I could feel the connection. He had become a family to me. He was the guy in whom I found loyalty. I could see all the qualities I was looking for an ideal guy in him.
But I could not go closer to him, because he was rich and I was a middle-class girl. I had to be in my limits.
So I decided to move away from him.
Many times I tried to move away from him, but he held me every time. Every time I was moving away from him I felt, little by little I was falling for him.
Soon we became close to each other. I was happy but scared too. I never wanted to lose him. But, God had different plans for me. And we started moving apart. He was disturbed and Irritated with his job and personal issues. I never tried to interfere with his matters. He never liked to discuss them with me. He asked me a little “me time” so that he can sort out his issues and I gave him. I didn’t know my time will be become so big that he will remove me from his life only. I realized he started ignoring me. He was online on social media, but not available for me. Whenever he needed me I was there for him, but he was never for me.
Recently he informed me he a got job in the UK and he have to go. He went without even meeting me. Now I don’t even know when I will meet him. I am not even sure whether I will ever be able to meet him or not. Before going he said he felt connected to me. What does he mean?
I don’t even know whether he loves me or not. Every single day I wish to see him. I don’t know why my heart always tells me he is mine and one day he will also love me, but my brain asks me to forget him.
Is this possible to forget him?
Now I have reached a point where I cannot decide what is correct and whatnot. I am playing battle with my brain and heart. And I don’t know whom to follow.
